As cars sped past me kicking up dust in my eyes in the bright sun, I tried to keep focused on the road ahead. Just stay on the shoulder, I told myself. You’ll be fine. I didn’t have a destination in mind, I just knew that I had to get out of there. Looking ahead, the road seemed to stretch on forever, glistening in the late afternoon sun with heat distorting the air above the asphalt. One foot in front of the other, I thought, as I tried to hold back a floodgate of tears. That’s all I had to do.
Something I’ve always tried to instill in my son is a sense of safety. Not just for his physical safety - that’s a given - but also for his mental safety. I want him to feel a sense of stability and know that he doesn’t have to worry about carrying any weight for the family. It’s something of which I carry a very strong sense. I want him to know that I’ve always got his back, that if he needs me for anything I’ll be there, and that I, as the parent, am the one who has to worry about paying the bills, strategizing for his future, and dealing with work. All he has to do is be a kid.
It’s not something I talk about often, but I had a sister who passed away shortly after she was born. I was only three years old when it happened, and for many years I thought that it didn’t have a huge effect on my life. I knew I was getting a new sibling, but was too young to really understand much and, because she died before I ever even got to know her, she was a very distant memory.
Recently I came across a show on HBO called The Righteous Gemstones. I don’t know how I missed it, but damn did this show hit a cord with me. I’ve never been too into Danny McBride content. I’ve seen a bit, but he’s not an actor or screenwriter that I’ve really seen a lot of. I think one time I saw an episode of Eastbound & Down and it just didn’t really appeal to me.
This time of year is the anniversary of my father’s death. When my father passed away, I felt a lot different about it than I thought I would. I imagined myself not caring at all, feeling free from the guilt I felt to talk, text, or help him. For over two decades after he was released from prison, a year didn’t go by that he wouldn’t hit me up for money or some other favor. Whenever I went home, I always felt that I should visit him even though I knew it would be difficult, time consuming, and leave me feeling drained.
It wasn’t until I was older that I could really understand a lot of what happened when I was younger. I have this feeling a lot when I watch Seinfeld. This is a show my father loved and I remember watching it with him back in the late 80s and early 90s. It started in 1989, so when I was 12, and it was really the early episodes over the first few seasons that bring back a lot of memories for me.
Guilt. It’s a vital tool for a person, political party, religion, or any other group to control people. It’s not just guilt about doing something wrong. It’s also guilt about doing something potentially wrong. Or potentially disappointing your leaders. You could be faced with leaders that claim a direct connection…
One thing I am most grateful for in my life is the opportunity I’ve had to become a father myself. Every day, my son amazes me and I think one of the most awesome things in the world is to be a part of your children’s lives. Whenever anyone asks…
You can see it everywhere nowadays: self-promotion. I stay away from social media as much as possible, because it seems like it is an endless feed of people only showing the good side of their life or trying to show how wonderful they are. There’s even a term for it…
